I remember desperate and fragile times in my young life. Moments when something, anything, could trigger frightening emotions in me. I felt incapable of knowing how to bounce back from what appeared. The only tools I had at that time were numbing tools. I would move faster, busy myself with my family’s needs, business endeavors, and relationships with friends. Alcohol and drugs, prescription and otherwise are used by far too many. I knew how to avoid, at least for a while, feeling the depressed emotions that appeared. This though, was always a temporary fix, and in time these emotional episodes gained strength and stayed for longer periods of time. As much as I tried to convince myself that my heavy heart had finally found peace through the avoidance, the feelings would always come back. And each time they appeared they were stronger and less willing to be cast aside by frantic activity.
I lived at the mercy of these episodes for a long time, feeling vulnerable, weak and frightened that the next time they showed up they might not go away. My unhealed emotions were taking up a huge amount of space and time in my life. But no matter how much I hurt I still resisted doing something about it. I was stuck in a pattern of unhappiness and was unclear how to move away from it.
This kind of confusion and disorder was my ground zero. It was the filter through which I lived, and it started to influence everything else I did. I had lucid moments of hope, but they were fleeting, and I lost belief that life could different.
During this time, my physical body weakened, my emotional state was fragile, my mental clarity was blurred, but somehow through it all my spirit stayed strong. My spirit had the loudest voice and convinced the other parts of my life: body, mind, and emotions to listen and follow along. I had tried running and numbing from what was showing up to be healed. I had blamed others for my hurt, sacrificed my values and virtues to be right about things I knew were wrong. The wearisome battle I thought I was fighting with others was a battle I was fighting with myself. I decided I no longer wanted to be my own enemy. I was hurting my chances of survival, and once I recognized this, my life shifted. It was during this time that I found meditation. I learned meditation through Kundalini yoga, and it saved my life. I was a young woman when I found the practice and everything about it initially frightened me. The discipline, the breath, the chanting. All of it felt strange and awkward to me, and yet I was drawn to it. I knew, somehow, that it would heal me. My spirit was guiding me to this healing practice, and all I had to do was listen, and I did. That was 16 years ago. I look back on all of the many experiences that have happened in that time and wonder how I would have made it without meditation. I now know what it is like to meet life with strength and from that strength I know deep love and compassion.
Meditation has taught me to believe and have faith. Fear no longer prevails. I still feel it, of course, but it does not rule my life as it once did. Now my fear serves me. It is the warning light that appears when I need to pay extra attention to what is happening in that moment. Fear is now an informant, not an influencer.
Often when we are in our weakest, most vulnerable state, every opportunity to heal is available to us. We are tired and less apt to resist the change. This is a precious opportunity. What is your life calling you towards?
Listen to your spirit; it will never steer you wrong.