I would suffer deeply without meditation; I did for so long. I knew temporary success on the outside but not in my heart and spirit. I had a successful business at 21 years old, married a fabulous guy at 25, had two healthy, happy kids by 29. We lived in a beautiful home in a quintessential New England community, and had a 2nd home on Cape Cod, what could be better? But still, the sadness prevailed. I tried to nurture and heal my wounds superficially, but these attempts were short-lived and brought on more anxiety for me when the experience failed to fill the empty space inside me.
My suffering played out in many ways:
- I felt unworthy of great opportunities
- Extreme emotional highs and lows
- Anxiety attacks and anger
- Isolation and Separation
- Loneliness and deep sadness
I felt I had tried hard to find a way through this suffering and couldn’t understand why my efforts felt so hopeless, then one day I knew the answer. I took a step and joined a meditation group. I hadn’t wanted to go, but my trusted yoga teacher encouraged me to attend. Resistantly, I showed up, and in just a few minutes of being there, I realized that this was what had been missing from my life. I will forever remember the feelings I had in those first moments. I listened to the teacher and every word she spoke resonated inside of me. I heard the students talk about the confusion, frustration, anxiety and disappointments they thought would be with them forever. I understood my emptiness through their words, I was not alone, they felt it too.
I understood now why my previous attempts at peace and happiness had not worked, I had not built a foundation strong enough to hold, view, and heal through my greatest sadnesses. I had not gone inside and done the internal inquiry, and this is what it takes to build a foundation for a strong and dependable life.
My techniques, while earnest, were in the wrong order. My process to heal before meditation was similar to that of building a house on sand. It looked beautiful for a while but could not stand up to the challenging condition of nature and life.
After years of feeling unsuccessful, and hopeless, I finally found a place to start. From that starting point, I have grown my life from the inside out. I have never turned back, why would I? I know a life now that I could only have dreamt about before. Give yourself this chance, start somewhere, even the smallest look inside will bring you to abundant, boundless opportunities for healing and love.